Hers
by SoraGirl
Summary: A semisong fic based on the Goo Goo Doll's Iris. Tobias's perspective on Rachel's last days and the aftermath of her death. R&R please! :D


Disclaimer: The Animorphs belong to the both magnificent and horrible, K.A. Applegate and the song "Iris" belongs to the Goo-Goo Dolls. This ham sandwich, however, BELONGS TO ME!

AN: Before you start reading, it's probably important for you to know that I haven't read the last few books in AGES so this story probably won't match up with the book version, but bare with me here, I tried to keep anything extremely important (that I could remember) the same. :D Anyway, I've always thought "Iris" was the perfect song for the Tobias/Rachel relationship and I'm glad I finally got to right something with it! ^_^ Hope you like it!

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow _

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

_'Cause sooner or later it's over_

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

I flapped my wing on the window, alerting Rachel to my presence. It's funny how I can say it so easily now, "my wing". I've accepted that I'm part hawk now and it doesn't bother me anymore. I know my friends worry that I accepted it too easily and that eventually, I won't be human at all.  But they shouldn't. They'll always be some human in me as long as Rachel is around. 

"I was hoping you'd come," she smiled, opening the window for me to come in.

I released the heavy plastic bag I was carrying onto the floor and perched on a familiar dresser. I realized that this might be the last time I ever would.

You might want to turn around, I told her, a hint of humor in my thought speech. She raised her eyebrow, giving me a look of suspicion, but finally obeyed.

When I gave her the okay to turn back around, I was fully morphed and fully clothed. It was unusual for me to morph human on visits like this, partially because the trouble of clothes and partially because I felt more comfortable as a hawk. But all of that meant nothing now. This was going to be the last fight. We all felt it; we all knew. We were going to lose or we were going to win and either option might cost us our lives.

Maybe the fact I had morphed let Rachel know I too realized how serious this last fight would be. I too realized what we could be risking.

"Do you think we'll make it?" she asked, as if she had read my mind.

I searched for the right answer, something hopeful, something that would comfort us both. "I don't know," I told her honestly. It was all I could come up with…I'd never been very good with words.

I sat down quietly on the bed and she sat down next to me. We were silent for a moment when I felt her arms wrap around me, her head burying into my chest. I blushed, feeling awkward and fighting the hawk instinct telling me to fly away. The awkward feeling subsided quickly enough though…and then all I felt was warmth.

"Tobias," Rachel whispered, hugging me tighter. I wrapped my arms around her, gently stroking her hair. She didn't say anything else. She didn't have to.

I've been more animals then you can imagine. I've flown through the air, I've swam hundreds of leagues under the sea, I've experienced kind of feelings that most people can't even dream about but none of them, _none of them_, came close to what I was feeling right now.

I would have stayed like that forever if I could have but I had gotten what I needed. I went to Rachel because I was confused and scared and overwhelmed. I had forgotten what we were fighting for…but now I knew. I had to stay in this fight, I had to win it, for Rachel, for the hope that I might have a chance to feel like this again.

My two hours were nearly up, I kissed her head silently, squeezed her once more, and got up. "Please don't go," she said, grabbing my arm, "Just stay a little longer." 

"Two hours," I reminded her sadly. I wished I could stay, more then anything I wished I could stay. I knew how hard it was for Rachel to give up the invulnerable _Xena__: Warrior Princess_ façade. The one time she was brave enough to admit she was scared and I couldn't stay with her; I couldn't protect her. 

"Tobias," she started again, but I stopped her, knowing if she tried to convince me to stay, she would succeed. 

"Rachel, I have to stay in this fight. I've gone this far, I've got to see it through. I can't take any chances," I told her.

"And if we win? What then?" she asked, a bit of trademark Rachel fury apparent in her previously calm voice.

It was a question I had asked myself a thousand times since the Ellimist had restored my ability to morph. I had always come up with the same answer. I hadn't been able to picture a life without flight, without being able to fly away from it all. But now…I couldn't imagine a life without Rachel, with her there, I didn't need to fly away. Now, I had a different answer.

I had never been very good with words.

So I decided to show her. 

I walked forward and kissed her tenderly on the lips. Electricity flowed through my body and if I had wings, I would have been off the ground. This was better then flying. I was sure.

"Rachel, I- I love you," I stammered, blushing brighter then I thought I knew how. Still, I knew it was right. It was the only thing in a long time that had made any sense. I had never been very good with words, but this time, it was easy. Those words were the only ones that ever really fit.

"If we win, I'd give it all up. I'd become human again…for you."

Rachel smiled brightly, taking my hand gently in her own and giving it a tight squeeze, "Well then, we better win."

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

I left Rachel and flew back to the meadow. I knew we had a battle ahead of us, the most important battle we would ever face. I knew I needed the rest, but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had promised Rachel. The decision seemed a lot less clear now that I was alone. 

I wasn't just human anymore. It was a fact that all of us, even Rachel, had been forced to admit. Was I ready for the real world again? I had lived the life of a hawk so long, could I deal with going back? I would be a high school drop out forced into some minimum-wage burger job for the rest of my life. Could I stand it? And what if Rachel met someone else, some successful businessman who hadn't spent years as a hawk, someone who actually deserved her, someone who actually knew how to love? How could I risk that?

I wasn't just human anymore and I never would be. How would the world react? Would they snicker at my blank face, my lack of human emotion? Would they persecute me? Would they be afraid? When I was human, I had never fit in with the real world. Now, I was part hawk. There was no hope for me to ever fit in again.

But what did any of it really matter anyway? Who knew if I would even make it past tomorrow? The world was collapsing around me, nothing was for sure. Nothing…except Rachel. I loved her and in what could be the last days of my life, I realized that was the only thing that _really_ mattered. Rachel knew what I was and she cared for me anyway, there was nothing more I could ask.  

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_

_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

_When everything feels like the movies_

_And you bleed just to know you're alive_

I didn't find out until it was too late. I didn't find out what Jake had been planning to do, what Rachel had agreed to. If I had, I would have never let it happened. I would have sacrificed the whole world to keep her safe…but I guess that's why they had to lie.

I couldn't be angry at Rachel. I was angry at myself, I was angry with Jake…but not at Rachel. She had lied to me to because she knew she had a duty and she knew I would try and stop her…I only wish I had.

I knew she was dead before the final blow. I knew she would never get out of there alive. I  was blinded with pain, I couldn't think, I couldn't breath, and in hawk form, I couldn't cry. I had to cry. I had to do something to get this pain out. 

"I love you," she said. 

And then she was gone. I was frozen in time. I couldn't believe it…I couldn't except it…but it was all real…

I ran, or I flew, to be more precise. When Rachel thought I had died, she had went after my killer, she had stayed strong. I had run like the coward that I am. I ran away from life, I ran away from all of it.

It all seemed so surreal, like I was watching some movie…but see, in the movies, the good guys always win. It was an impossibility, Rachel _couldn't_ die because I _couldn't_ live without her. I had realized I might die, I had realized we all might lose, but the thought that Rachel would be killed and I would have to go on with out her, was too horrible for me to have ever imagined. 

I wanted to die. I wanted to plunge into the earth. I wanted darkness. I wanted silence. I wanted the pain to stop. But as much as I wanted it, I wouldn't kill myself. Life was worth to much. My friends and I had fought for it, Rachel had died for it, and I wasn't about to throw that gift away.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

I tried to be a hawk again, it was the only way I knew to deal with the pain. I tried to find that dark place I had been so seemingly long ago. It worked for a little while. The pain was so fresh in my mind that it dulled me. It left me, or at least the human in me, dead. But good things can't last forever.

There was a bear. A grizzly bear in my meadow…Only one look, an uninterested glance really, and suddenly thousands of images came flooding back.

My mind flashed through battles, through blood and gore and ragging grizzly bears, through the few times when we could relax. The images all blurred together and began playing faster and faster and faster. I could hear Rachel, every world she had ever spoke, her beautiful voice running through my mind, but out of all of it one sentence remained vibrantly clear.

"I love you." I heard over and over again.

I plummeted to the ground.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

I thought I'd be dead when I hit the surface, but somehow, I survived. My hawk body was useless, my broken wing twitched involuntary, a pool of blood beginning to ooze out around me and cover the tainted grass. A fog settled over my mind as I slowly drifted away. If I could have smiled, I would. I knew I wouldn't be alive long.

When I finally awoke, I was fully human. I jolted up, heart racing, blood pumping as I looked over my hands. Had a dreamed it all?! Were there really no Yeerks, no Animorphs, no dead friends?! My heart raced anxiously with possibility. Was Rachel was still alive?!

I jumped up, ready to race to the telephone…but of course, there was no telephone to race to. I was still in my meadow, _my_ meadow, a hawk's meadow…it had all been real.

I sank back down to the lonely ground and wept. My crying echoed through the woods. I was a coward and now everyone would know.

Everyone? Not everyone…there was no one here but me. Where had the grizzly gone that had caused all this trouble? Why had I morphed human? Why was I still alive?

"_Ellimist_," I growled in realization, tears still streaming through my eyes. 

There was no answer.

"_ELLIMIST_!" I yelled louder, a few birds rustled out of the trees. "I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DIRECTLY INTERVENE?!? YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE!"

I DID NOT INTERVENE,

came the stolid reply. 

"You made me morph human! You got rid of the grizzly!" I bit back, shouting into nothingness.

_YOU_ CHOOSE TO MORPH, TOBIAS. I MERELY INTRODUCED THE IDEA. AS FOR THE BEAR, I DID NOT FORCE IT TO RUN AWAY.

"That's a load of bull and you know it," I snarled. I felt tears welling up in my eyes again. "It was my time to die."

NO, NOW IS YOUR TIME TO FIGHT. NOW IS YOUR TIME TO LIVE. IT IS WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED.

This time, he had crossed the line. "HOW DARE YOU!?! HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT HER?! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED!" I screamed.  

I CAN SHOW YOU. 

There I was.

"Answer this, Ellimist: Did I…did I make a difference? My life, and my…my death…was I worth it? Did my life really matter?"

"Yes. You were brave. You were strong. You were good. You mattered."

"Yeah. Okay, then. Okay, then."

IT WAS HER TIME, the Ellimist boomed, bringing us back into the real world, SHE ACCEPTED HER DEATH. NOW, SO MUST YOU. THEY WILL COME FOR YOU. THEY WILL ASK YOU TO FIGHT. FIGHT.

"I can't," I whispered, tears still running down my cheeks from seeing Rachel's last moments, hearing her last question. The Ellimist was rubbing salt in a wound that had never healed. "I can't."

YOU MUST. 

FOR HER.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

So I agreed. What else was there for me to do? There was no world for me without Rachel. But going into this battle, it felt wrong without her there…it felt wrong to exist again with out her. 

And then there was Jake. Her cousin, her friend, our leader; her killer…Rachel's killer and I was glad to see him. I was ashamed. I felt like being their at all was a constant betrayal. I wanted to run again. I wanted to prove to her that she was my world and I would give up everything for her. But I remembered the Ellimist's words: "YOU MUST FIGHT. FOR HER."

I was ready to fight. I was ready to die. I was ready to do anything for Rachel, or just for her memory. 

I had never fit into this world. I had never had anyone but myself. Until her. She was the only person who had ever accepted me, understood me, and the only person who could ever love me. She was my everything.

So when Jake ordered, "Ram the Blade Ship."

I was ready to die.  

_I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am_

"Tobias," came a vague voice in the distance. 

I didn't answer.

"Tobias," the voice called out again.

A bright light pierced through the darkness.

"Rachel?" I asked, my voice a mixture of laughter and tears as I gazed at the white and shinning figure in front of me.

She nodded slightly, smiling, "It's time to go Tobias."

I lifted myself up, unable to take my eyes off of her.

"Go where?" I asked shakily but then I wondered why I had. It didn't matter, as long as we were going together.

"It's wonderful Tobias. We don't have to fight anymore. We don't have to fight. We can just fly. We can just be free."

"And Jake? And Marco? And Ax?" I asked fearfully, wondering the fate of my friends. 

"They're already there."

I smiled sweetly and sorrowfully, tears still streaming, as Rachel took my hand in hers.  

Rachel knew I was perhaps more hawk then human. She knew that I had been broken and been scared. She had always known just who I was, but that didn't matter. All I've ever been, is hers. 


End file.
